I was recently asked to come up with a six word memoir that would sum up my life. I wrote, "I keep kissing the damn frogs!"
It's true that I go on a lot of dates. First dates. Not really seconds, and hardly ever thirds.
My last date was no exception. He was a minister. And, given my religious beliefs (I don't believe in religion), I knew going out with him wasn't such a good idea.
I was almost expecting to have an argument with him--a heated theological debate that would ignite Sam and Diane style hatred turned passion. Instead, I got 22 minutes of the most self-indulgent shit I've ever heard, such as:
Me: What did you do for Thanksgiving?
Him: Well, since I'm a minister, I served meals to needy people.
Me: What are you up this weekend?
Him: Taking some homeless kids to the movies. That's how most ministers spend their weekends.
Me: Do you want another cup of coffee?
Him: I shouldn't. That would be like gluttony. And, you know, I'm a minister...
Yes, and holy shit, please stop talking now! He reminded me of this girl I knew in college, who had an "eating disorder" and would bring it up every five minutes:
"Guys, I can't go to class today because I have an eating disorder?"
"Hey, can you pick up my mail today? I'd do it, but I have an eating disorder."
"Has anyone seen my keys? I'm too tired to look for them because I have an eating disorder."
So, as it became increasingly clear that the minister and I had zero chemistry, and I as sat there thinking of what I needed to buy at Target rather than listening to him talk, I searched for ways to end the date. Sick pet? Dinner with friends? Devil worship? But, he beat me to the punch.
"I have to get to the gym," he said.
"Really? You're not tired after spending all that energy on the less fortunate?"
At this point, the minister recognized my higher power--sarcasm--and left the coffeeshop. And, while I usually get bummed if a date doesn't work out, I wasn't about to loose any sleep over this one, because I realized I wasn't judging him for being a minister, I was judging him for being an asshole. But maybe next time, I'll opt for a rabbi instead.
Mark Jason Williams
I find trouble wherever I go