The allergies were in rare form last night, so I took a Zyrtec and attempted to go to bed. Except, Zyrtec makes me crazy. So, instead of sleeping, I was up half the night thinking about the following random shit:
When I'm home alone, why do I still close the bathroom door?
Has anyone ever actually killed two birds with one stone? And, if so, what kind of sadistic monster is this?
Speaking of monsters: Bigfoot vs. The Loch Ness Monster. Who's cooler? And who would win in a fight? And shouldn't these mystical beasts be dead by now?
Who do people say "these ones" when referring to a pair of something?
Who decided that certain four letter words were bad, and why do I have to take their word for it?
Will I ever really like the taste of beer?
Yesterday was Labor Day, which I like to call Lazy Day, since all I usually do is eat, drink, and sit around and talk about how much I've eaten and drank. During this Lazy Day, my friend Monica and I celebrated our 17th year as friends with a bottle of champagne and lively conversation, which included a rant on some annoying and downright shitty human behavior and ways to help prevent people from being assholes. So, here are some serious problems and our inventive solutions:
Problem: You text someone, but they don't text you back for a really long time or maybe not at all. Then, you see that this person has posted tons of shit on Facebook, and you want to kill him or her.
Solution: Murder is obviously warranted here, but not the best choice since it can get messy and expensive. We vote that timers will now be installed on phones. If you don't text someone back within an hour, your phone will explode. Exceptions: your phone is off or you don't get service, you're driving, you're in jail or in the hospital or dying in a ditch. Phones have GPS, so they know where you are. Hello, NSA. Religious institutions are not an exception, by the way. Your higher power wants you to have good manners.
Solution: Sidewalks in heavy tourist areas (e.g. Times Square, Chinatown) will be split into "Fast Lanes" and "Slow Lanes." If you're in the fast lane with a fanny pack, tropical-looking shirt, and knee-high socks, a confused look on your face and walking really slow, you'll be stampeded to death and no one will care.
*Note: People who feel the need to do shit on their phone while walking and get all in my space must also use the slow lane or suffer the same penalty.
Solution: The city has done a pretty good job about cutting back on smoking in public places (for us non-smokers, anyway) but there are still those douche-bags who like to carry around a cigarette like a prized trophy and blow their smoke directly in our faces. Our solution is simple: all cigarettes will now taste like cat piss. I don't know what cat piss tastes like, but I'm sure it has to be terrible.
Problem: General Subway Behavior
Solution: Here are things you shouldn't do on the subway: play your music without headphones, eat messy food, put your hands on my ass (unless invited) or clip your nails. We see this all the time, but don't usually say anything for fear of the perpetrator being an unstable nut who will stab our faces off. For the people who eat the messy food and clip their nails, the solution is easy: the trimmings go in the food and then you both have to eat it. The guy (or girl) who puts his/her hands on your ass without being invited will be magically photographed and put into a sex offender database (good luck getting a job after that, creepo!) and the loud music will be drowned out by everyone on the train joining together to sing the worst song ever created...nope, not something by Miley Cyrus or Bobby Brown, we're talking the eternal classic, "Cumbaya" (if you don't know this song, go out and watch Troop Beverly Hills pronto!)
What are some other problems you encounter, and how can I help fix them? I would love to know.
** THIS RANT WAS INSPIRED BY BRUT CHAMPAGNE, PEACH JUICE, AND A SPICY FRITATA.
Mark Jason Williams
I find trouble wherever I go